Inky

We have a new cat! This is Inky.

We adopted her right before Christmas from the Lost Dogs Home, at North Melbourne. Their cat adoption page is here.  I was surprised how many cats there were, and how many of them are absolutely lovely. No scroungy, mean scratchy cats these - almost all are cuddly and affectionate, which just goes to show you how misunderstood cats tend to be (or how good our timing was maybe).

What's a little sad is how many stray cats there are.  The day we went to get ours, there were three other families there taking home a cat, and more on their way. And yet, a week later the Cat Adoption page is still at 7 pages, filled with half the same and another crop of 'new' homeless kitties. :(

So if you're in Melbourne and you've been looking for a cat, look no further. Here's why you should adopt one from a shelter. And if you're looking for a shelter, the Lost Dogs Home is a good one. The staff there are great with the animals, which get walked/played with and are given plenty of attention, and they educate and assist new owners without lecturing or over-the-top requirements to adopt.


Inky is one year old, female, and very cute. She's curious, confident and playful, and has settled into life in our house quite comfortably. She follows us around, does a very cute jump-rub move against our legs, and sleeps on the kids' beds, seemingly taking turns, though perhaps slightly more often with M. For this I am very thankful. Poor M's heartache over Tia was just gut-wrenching, and had not really abated after three months. A few days before Christmas once the kids were on holiday and I had a week off work, I put aside our plan to adopt in January and we went to the shelter to get our new cat.



Inky was not the prettiest of the bunch. She is extremely thin, and has an odd-shaped head, an uneven coat and weirdly splayed legs. But she's young and friendly and playful and sweet, which is exactly what you want.

Also, as she sleeps with the kids, it's them she wakes up at 6am, and M has been getting up each morning to feed her.  Perfect!

 Harry is not so thrilled. The first day we had Inky was interesting. Both of them lunged at each other on either side of a glass door, each intent on killing the other. When we finally introduced them in the same room there was a brief but terrifying scuffle, growls, howls and spits and then a yelp and a whine and that was the end of the mutual lunging. Within three days they had reached an uneasy truce and now skirt each other warily, mostly keeping out of each other's way.  Friendship is still a good way off, I think.

The Christmas Meme

My friend Pandora does at least one questionnaire meme on her blog a week, which is a good idea. It means she rarely goes a week without a post, and questionnaires on blogs are often a good read. We do love to read about each other's interests, opinions and foibles, don't we?

She has just done The Christmas Meme - which surprised me, knowing Pandora is not a HUGE Christmassy person... but a quick read reassured me that no, she hadn't had a commercial Christmas epiphany, and all was still right with the world.

I liked the questions, so I thought I would give it a go. Plus, obviously, it's a good day for a Christmas Meme post.

1. Do you send Christmas cards? 

Not any more. I stopped about three years ago. But I do feel a twinge of guilt for every card I get in the mail (which is not many - hardly anyone sends them anymore).
The Cranky Old Man has a good post about the slow demise of Christmas cards.


2. How soon do you start shopping?:

October for the kids, November for everyone else. I try to be done by mid-December. Try.

3. Who do you shop for?: 

My kids, husband and myself (our gift to each other - usually a token or something we need). My nephew and niece, and my cousins' kids. And a small gift like jellybeans or chocolates that the kids give their grandparents. Well, not "like". It is always jellybeans and chocolates.

4. Do you put up a Christmas tree?: 

Yes.

5. If so, is it fake or real?: 

Fake. I love the real ones, and I always vow to get one...next year.

6. Do you like tinsel?: 

I LOVE tinsel.

7. Do you use homemade or store bought ornaments?: 

Mostly store-bought, but with kids you naturally get a few homemade ones too. My mum still hangs the ones my sister and I made as kids on her tree.

8. Do you put Christmas lights outside your house?: 

I do! Nothing fancy, just some solar lights along the front garden path, and a string of lights hung from over the porch.

9. Do you put lights on the tree?: 

I do - but it took me a long time to come around to it, as I was always morbidly afraid of lights catching fire. I'm still a BIT afraid - I don't have the lights on very often or very long.

10. How about popcorn and cranberries?: 

No and I've never heard of doing that either.

11. Is there a wreath hanging on your door?: 

Mais oui.

13. Do you hang up your stocking?: 

No stockings for grown-ups.

14. Does your family read "Twas the night before Christmas?": 

Not as a tradition, but it gets recited sometimes. My kids prefer the Aussie version which I don't love, but whatever - it's all Christmas!

15. Christmas Movie?: 

There aren't really any Christmas movies that I love. I have to turn off Twitter when people start live-tweeting Love Actually. I remember finding Jingle All the Way very funny years ago, but I'm sure it is dated and unfunny now. As is Deck The Halls which we just watched last night.


16. Character from any Christmas Movie: 

Tom Hanks' conductor in The Polar Express.

17. Christmas Song: 

Silent Night is my favourite because it's so beautiful.
The Little Drummer Boy for the sense of shared community - it's naff but I've always loved it.
And for fun, The Twelve Days of Christmas.

18. Christmas Memory: 

Best ever: when we were kids we had a few Christmases at my grandparents down at Blairgowrie on the Mornington Peninsula, with our aunts and uncles and cousins, and it was just so much fun. We kids all slept in fold-out beds in the car port - it was perfectly secure, it had canvas sides and a zip-up door (!) - while our parents drank and talked and laughed till late.

On the alternate years, we drove up to the NSW Central Coast to stay with my other grandparents. Those Christmases were a bit more low key but I still have great memories of them as I loved my grandparents and their house, and the semi-rural idyllic spot they lived in (as it was then).

19. Give or Receive?: 

Give, of course.

22. Ham or Turkey?: 

We don't do turkey anymore but my Dad used to barbecue it over coals and it was fantastic. We still do ham, and I love thick slices of ham off the bone on toast for breakfast on Boxing Day, and every day thereafter until depleted.

24. White Lights or Colored Lights? 

Why not both?

25. Blinking Lights or Still Lights?:

Still, definitely still. A couple of times I've set my lights to blinking and felt like I was going to have a seizure. They make you very dizzy.

26. Were you Naughty or Nice this year?: 

I was not naughty, but I was not very nice. I was a bit crabby this year.

27. What do you want for Christmas this year?:

I wanted a Fitbit, but then I had a brainwave. The kids are getting bikes this year and they are cheaper than Fitbits. In January I'm going to get a bike each for me and Y. Looking forward to it.

28. When do you open your gifts?: 

Christmas morning.

29. What's the best gift you've ever gotten?: 

My bike when I was a kid. So exciting. Independence!

30. What's the worst gift you've ever gotten?: 

I can't recall. One of my aunts was eccentric and she used to give us weird things she picked up cheap from markets. Sometimes they were great - like one year when she gave me a little yellow transistor radio. Other years they weren't so great. I can't remember the gifts themselves, but I do remember opening something and thinking 'huh?' a couple of times.

31. Who gives you the most gifts?: 

Look, we cut out gifts for grown-ups in our extended family a few years back, and it was such a relief. We don't need anything, and we don't waste time, stress and money buying each other things we don't want. I am happy not receiving more than one or two gifts at Christmas these days.

32. Have you ever had a secret Santa?: 

We've done Kris Kringle at work in the past. It fell away a few years ago, and no one really wants it back I don't think.

33. Do you like wrapping gifts?: 

I do! I'm a very good gift wrapper. Give me any shaped item, I can do it!

34. Do you put change in those red buckets?:

I always have, but I admit since the institutional child abuse horrors have come to light there are certain organisations which I decided this year will never receive a penny from me again, so I have stopped dropping coins in certain red buckets (I know, that's depriving the needy based on my own outrage - I don't feel sure about it). But every year I give to The Smith Family and I buy a few toys or gifts for the Kmart Wishing Tree or the ABC Tree.

35. Do you burn a yule log?: 

Burn a what now?

36. Can you name all the reindeer?: 

Dasher, Dancer, Donna, Blitzen.... Prancer....

Rudolf!

37. Do you bake cookies?: 

Not for Christmas, but other times yes.

38. Have you ever seen your mommy kissing Santa Claus?: 

Nooooo.

39. Have you ever gotten a kiss under the mistletoe?: 

No mistletoe ever encountered.

41. Do you drive around and look at the Christmas lights?: 

Okay, yes we do. But only in our local area. We have a few houses here that do a LOT of lights. I can't get a good photo, unfortunately.

42. Have you ever left Santa cookies?: 

Right up until this year.

43. Have you ever sat on Santa's lap?: 

As a CHILD, yes.

44. Who do you celebrate Christmas with?: 

Family.

45. Where do you celebrate Christmas?: 

Usually lately it's been at my sister's house. As my brother-in-law is one of seven kids, he always hosts for his extended family, and they have included us all in that.

46. Have you ever had a white Christmas?: 

I've had one proper white Christmas in Boston as a teenager which was amazing. Every lovely White Christmas visual and experience, all come vividly to life. And we had snow in London on New Year's Eve once during my two years there. And... do the TWO times we got hail on Christmas Day here in Melbourne count?

2011

2006

2006

47. What part of Christmas do you look most forward to?: 

Meeting up with extended family in the evening. It's getting to be the only time I see my cousins, which is a pity.

48. Have you ever had your picture taken with Santa?: 

As a CHILD, yes.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Kevin Dooley/Flickr CC

Children's Chanting Games

I love the chanting games kids play. Some of them have been around for years, some are new. They are invented by children and some survive with minimal changes for generations; others get reworked and change rapidly.  Often snippets from one chant work their way into another.

The benefits of chanting games are hand-eye co-ordination and memory training, but most of all friendship bonding. It's interesting to me that they are mostly played among girls.

Skipping rope chants

This one was what we chanted jumping rope when I was a kid, and I heard it all through my primary school years - but my kids had no knowledge of it (until I taught them):

Cinderella dressed in yella

Went upstairs to kiss a fella

Made a mistake, kissed a snake

How many doctors did it take?

One, two, three....

Here's one my kids do know:

Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around

Teddy bear, teddy bear touch the ground

Teddy bear, teddy bear jump up high

Teddy bear, teddy bear say good night! [jump out]

Hand Clap Chants

Years ago I taught my kids the classic Pat-a-cake chant:

Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man

Bake me a cake as fast as you can

Pat it and prick it and mark it with B

And put it in the oven for baby and me

That one appears in every nursery rhyme book and was probably written by an adult.


But more interesting are the chants that are made up by children and passed around between them, from primary school to primary school, between cousins and friends, and morphing with generations.

These come with more complicated hand-clap routines, which I was never good at as a kid. I learned the chants in my head but rarely got to say them as I couldn't do the hand-clap routines.


I remember this one from when I was a kid:

Under the bamboo bushes under the trees, boom-boom-boom

True love for you my darling true love for me

When we get married we'll raise a family

Of fifty children, all in a row-row-row your boat, gently down the stream, 

Throw your teacher overboard, listen to her scream [make loud scream noise]

My kids don't know that one.  They do this one:

Armela

Kiss a fella

Naughty boy

Ping pong

Armela, kiss a fella, naughty boy, ping pong

Turn around, touch the ground, push your friend, freeze!

...and this one. I remember my cousin's daughter chanting this with her friends years ago, too:

Apple on a stick
makes me sick
makes my heart beat two-forty-six
not because you're dirty, not because you're clean
just because you kissed the boys behind the magazine
Girls, boys, having fun
here comes the baby with the big fat bum
with a jiggle and a wiggle he can do the splits
but I betcha, I betcha, you can't do this:
Close your eyes and count to ten,
if you don't muck it up you're my best friend
One, two, three..... [continue complicated hand-clap routine with eyes closed]
You didn't muck it up so you're my best friend! [hug]
[or]
You mucked it up but you're still my best friend! [hug]

I have a video of my kids playing Apple On A Stick (with cameo from Harry the dog) - I haven't been able to upload it here (too big, and having trouble compressing it) but you can see it here on my Flickr.

Here are some other kids doing it:

Counting games

These are the chants you use to count off among a group of friends to see who will be "it".  They're variations on Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe.

Ibble obble black bubble 

Ibble obble out

Turn your trousers inside out

If they're black, turn them back

Ibble obble black bubble

Ibble obble out

Or:

Mickey Mouse had a house

underneath the movies

when the movie started 

Mickey Mouse farted 

What colour was it?

[child landed on chooses a colour, then all spell out the colour to finish counting off]

Songs

At our primary school in LA we learned this one:

Great green gobs of green grimy gopher's guts

Marinated monkey's meat

Carbonated birdies' feet

Ten bear eyeballs floating in a pool of blood

Oops, I forgot my spoon

But I have a straw.... [make gross slurping noise] 

The kids have learned a couple of variants on Happy Birthday, the most recent one being:

Happy birthday to you

Put your hands in the loo

If you feel something squishy

It's a present for you: poo!

I love this stuff!

Do you know any more? Remember any from your own childhood?

Edit: here are a couple more.

Here's another hand clap game my kids and their friends play:

Two kids face each other and do hand-claps saying: 

Tick tack toe, give me a high give me a low

Johnny got hit by a UFO!

On the syllables "UFO" they do rock paper scissors.

The loser then turns around and the winner pokes the loser in the back with one or more fingers, then holds their hands out in front of them.

The loser turns back around and has to guess which finger or fingers were used.

This is pretty funny, because it's impossible to work out which finger has poked you in the back.

But they all look over the winner's hands and try hard to guess.

And here's a "new" song for them:

While looking for a YouTube video for Apple on a Stick I came across "Sally was a baby", and I thought my kids would like it.

So I taught it to them and they LOVE it, and they have taught their friends.  Yesterday it was going around the playground and one of their friends performed it for their PE teacher.  It's a hit!

)

Breaking the magician's code

The kids are eight and are into magic tricks at the moment.

Do you want to see a magic trick M. showed me?

Here it is:

Pick a card, any card.

I picked this one:

Then I had to put it back in the deck (without M seeing it of course), and M. mixed up the cards.

"Okay," she said dramatically. 

"Is THIS your card?!"

How did she do it?

Ta-da!

Sunday Selections #144: Homework Drawings

It's time for Sunday Selections!
Sunday Selections is a weekly meme hosted by River at Drifting Through Life. It's a way to showcase some of the photos we take, but don't get shown on our blogs. 

The rules are very simple:-

1. post photos of your choice, old or new, under the Sunday Selections title

2. link back to River somewhere in your post

3. leave a comment on River's post and visit some of the others who have posted and commented: for example:

    Elephant's Child

    Andrew at High Riser

    Gillie at Random Thoughts From Abroad

    

This week I'm posting photos of the illustrations my kids do on their homework books.  I don't know how long their teachers will let them do this, but I love it.

This one M did today, underneath some facts about kookaburras she had to research and write herself.

These ones are from March this year - A's illustrations on a couple of pages of her Greek school homework:

Long-tailed Potoroo research done by A today:

Each week the kids get "DIPL" (literacy) homework that includes two written sentences using spelling rules covered in the week.  A. always illustrates hers:

This was a story M had to write recently, which she was very proud of. (It had to use certain words, which are the ones in colour):

Have I mentioned I love, love, love kids' drawings?

Farewell to Cal Worthington, and his dog Spot

This week Cal Worthington died aged 92.

For non-US readers, Cal Worthington was the used car salesman who came to epitomise both used car salesmen and the type of funny/annoying, hard-sell, earworm-jingle TV ads that he did so well.

Cal Worthington image by Mntbloom / Wikimedia Commons

When I was nine my family moved to Los Angeles and I vividly remember Cal Worthington. He was all over the TV all the time. I am sure he was extremely annoying, but to kids (and probably my America-besotted dad) he was fantastic.  I still remember my dad calling us over to the TV when we had only just settled in LA and saying "You've got to see this guy, come and look at this!"

Australian TV ads in the 70s could be strident ("From K-Tel, record $3.99, cassette $4.99!"), but we had never seen anything like this before.

The ads started with a booming voice-over: "Here's Cal Worthington....and his dog Spot!", as Cal jogged through his car lot wearing a cowboy hat and suit and leading an exotic animal on a leash (or on roller skates, or in a sidecar). It was a different animal every time; once he even rode an elephant.

Quite rightly animal protection laws would not allow such ads these days.

The ads were also often LONG and would itemise tens of cars and deals, with Cal's sales patter throughout ("I will stand on my head till my ears turn red, to make a deal"). There was often a give-away such as steak dinners, or kids' toys, or random crap like "this umbrella hat you can wear on your head", on offer whether or not you bought a car (but I wonder how many people got away without buying a car?!)   At the time we were there (1979-1981), there were similar car dealer ads on TV, but Cal's were the best (or the worst!). I don't know whether others imitated him or if he was just part of a trend at the time, but whatever it was, he nailed it.

And the jingle.... I've had the jingle stuck in my head for the last two days:

If you want to buy a car go see Cal 

For the best deal by far go see Cal 

If you want your payments slow 

If you want to save some dough 

Go see Cal, go see Cal, go see Cal

It was impossible not to like him. He seemed so happy and good-natured, and there's something admirable about those super salesmen who will happily and regularly make themselves ridiculous for success.

He had quite an interesting life, as I've learned this week. He was also a quintessential American success story, rising from childhood poverty to a huge business that owned multiple car lots and properties and even a studio which produced all his ads. (I was surprised to read in the New York Times article where I learned of his death, that he recently said, "I never much liked the car business. I just kind of got trapped in it after the war. I didn’t have the skills to do anything else.")

He was also part of my childhood. In 1979 Australia was a very different place - not worldly and not acculturated to the US the way it is now. So when we arrived in the US it was honestly like a different world. There was little that was familiar, so that was hard adjusting - but at the same time we all loved the outgoing, relaxed and ultra-friendly style of the culture there. It's hard to convey now how fresh and different it all seemed.

Cal Worthington was one of the defining icons of my childhood America. (He shares this honour with Peter Popoff, Phil Donahue, Geraldo Rivera and John Davidson). He personified America to us.  



Here is a tribute combination of a whole lot of his ads from the 1950s through the 1980s.

Rest in peace, Cal Worthington. My sister and I still love you!

Oh OK then, here are some more:

http://consumerist.com/2013/09/10/7-reasons-wacky-used-car-salesman-cal-worthington-will-never-be-forgotten/

http://www.mydogspot.com/video.htm

Sadness

Today's post is a bit of a downer, and I'm sorry about that. I'll probably regret posting it. But I just cannot shake the sadness right now.

I have two beautiful, funny, loving, interesting daughters. One of them is pretty and funny and clever but is going through her own battles with anxiety and self-loathing (which naturally I feel guilty about - I don't think I model these [really!] but she did get my crappy DNA). The other is happy and resilient and popular and is also tall and thin and lovely; this makes her shorter sister jealous and her father go on and on to me about how gorgeous she's going to be, both of which things irk me no end. But at the same time sometimes all I feel too is an overwhelming anger at the world's treatment of young girls and their egos, and I worry how I can protect her and how she can preserve her happy confident self in a world so threatening and unsafe.

I know, glass half full, right?

I'm not normally like this, I'm really not. I know I can't keep my children safe from all harm, and I also know they are not likely to meet it. I know parents project their own worries, regrets and failures onto their children. I know kids are their own special people and have strengths and abilities we underestimate, and that kids are not just the sum of their parents.

But the past week has contained this:

• Syria
• Our corner milkbar was robbed in daylight and the lovely woman who runs it with her husband was attacked and stabbed - she is unable to work and will need multiple operations and plastic surgery to recover. She had to run into the street, bleeding and crying, and flag down a car for help. Her attacker was caught, but she and her family are traumatised. Her husband is manning the milkbar alone, and their lives are changed. These are good, lovely, excellent people. I cannot get over the fact this has happened.
• Vandals spraypainted all over the school. I know it was just high school kids who used to go there and it's no big deal, but it's still an ugly thing.
• My daughter A had a big old meltdown at school and required an intervention from two teachers and the visiting psychologist to help her. They did help her, and she's OK, and all is OK, but still.
• Another horrible, horrible gang rape in India. While it's been only 4 months since the gang rape of a 5-year-old there, and the countless other rapes happening every day
• Miley Cyrus getting attacked all over the internet with the usual vicious ferocity that rains down on any twenty-year old trying to shake off a cutesy childhood past and try on the sexy.

 I heard Colleen McCulloch on radio once talking about her life, when her autobiography was published, and she talked about the different feelings she had when her son and her daughter were born. With a son, she said, you felt his life and future were so full of promise, that he could do anything and be anything. With a daughter though, you feel a bit like, well, here's someone else who's going to go through all the same shit.

It keeps seeming like things are getting better, and then it seems obvious they are not. These are times when seeing any gorgeous, happy young girl makes me anxious, protective and angry. I know that's not right or helpful, but it does. When I see grown men salivating over girls in their teens, or children playing games where the girls self-censor or are censored by their playmates for being tough, strong or heroic; when I see my girls, and all girls, in all their beauty and promise about to step up into a huge, exciting, wonderful and dangerous world, I am overcome.


How do you shake off sadness?

Schoolyard shenanigans

Well, it has begun.

My girls are seven and a half, and girls that age, it would appear, begin to sort themselves and each other out, and to call out each other's behaviour in a big way.

Drawing by little-drawing-wall via Tumblr, 

used with permission

This is not entirely innate. Our schools are trying their hardest to combat the twin scourges of bullying and childhood anxiety, and kids are being drilled in the language of self-defense and resilience, and in recognizing and calling out bad behaviour. Is it all a bit heavy-handed? Who knows - they are certainly handling it twenty times better than schools did in my day, so you know, carry on.

But kids absorb messages in unexpected ways, and are expert at subverting them too. (As in the boy who was mean to A. in the playground and then sneered when she got upset, "So? 'Bounce back'!")

It will be interesting to see how this generation of youngsters grows up, and what ails them. (I am guessing the same old stuff).

Anyway, all of a sudden the things my girls are telling me about school every day (and into the night) are sounding like this:

"I don't want to be friends with L anymore, she is so rude and she is always lying." 

"B was upset today because C said she was rude but I know she wasn't rude, she was upset because D said she was bossy." 

"R and L are always fighting, and it gives me a big headache. And I tell them, 'Girls, stop fighting! I want to be both of your friend but you have to get along!' And I say that every day, mum, it's every day!" 

"I really like R, she is my best friend, but she is mean to L and then sometimes I have to go and help L, and I like L. But then L gets mad at me and she's rude to me, and it's not my fault. And L said her mum told her not to play with me and R anymore." 

At first when these things cropped up I had all the answers. I gave what I thought was good advice, stressing the importance of friendship, compromise, sharing, understanding, and being nice to each other.  I suggested specific things to say which I thought were helpful. I think sometimes they were helpful, sometimes not.

Now I'm feeling less sure. More and more I feel like I don't have answers to the kinds of questions they are bringing home.

M. in particular is bringing home these fraught conversations every day, and tells me about them in stories that go on for 15 minutes or more while I sit there and nod and say "Mmmm" and wait for her to finish.

I know all these girls moderately well. I don't kid myself I know everything, because I am a grown-up and not hanging out in the school yard. I don't kid myself my daughter is an angel - in fact I spend half the time she tells me these stories looking out for what she has done 'wrong' or is not telling me. Then I sense she knows this and may sometimes twist a story a little to keep herself out of blame. Then I think I'm being unfair and then I think, crap! I've lost the thread of what she's telling me while I'm thinking all this!

My daughter M is empathetic and very good at making friends, and is pretty popular. As a result she is loving herself sick at the moment, and that can make her a bit cavalier with her friends. But she does worry about all her friends and tries to 'look after' everyone. At least, that's what I think is happening.

R is her best friend and a lovely kid, who has been used to having M all to herself for awhile and is not thrilled about others joining their 'group'.

L is new, and has few friends. She is a sweet kid and loves M. L's mum hosted a playdate to get all the kids playing together and help foster friendships for her daughter, and a week later I had the kids over to our house as well. From what I've seen and what I deduce from M's nightly tales of woe, it's possible L may be one of those kids who struggles a bit with friendships and social niceties (as my other daughter A has done a bit).

The kids have dobbed on each other to yard duty teachers and their class teacher, and have got varied advice, from 'you have to sort it out yourselves' to the same kind of advice I was giving, and finally to 'don't play with each other anymore!'

I worry about L and her parents are so lovely, and I've been really tempted to call her mum and talk about it - but I don't think that would be a good idea. We don't know each other well enough, and she might think I am criticizing her child or defending mine; and I also don't want to interfere and push their friendship if it's really not working.

I'm thinking I'll talk to the class teacher and ask for her thoughts. Maybe she can have a chat to all three kids - but I think she may already have done that.

I don't want to 'fix' friendships or solve every problem for my kids. (Well of course I do want to but I know I can't). I would just like to know what to say when they talk to me about these things.

It would be nice if I was skilled at the social stuff myself, so I would know what to do!

So I'm off to visit the websites of Easy Peasy Kids and Michael Grose in search of some ideas.

How do you deal with this stuff? I need some tips!

Motherhood and Autonomy

Here is one of those fantastic one-line quotations that just says so much:

Forced motherhood is a kind of slavery, because motherhood and autonomy can never coexist.

This was in the closing paragraph of Tanya Gold's excellent piece "The Anti-Abortion Lobby is Barbaric" (The Guardian Comment Is Free 22 April 2013).  (Thanks to Glosswatch for the breakaway quote and link to the article).


Leaving aside the abortion issue, just focus on this portion:

motherhood and autonomy can never coexist.

I think that little phrase is perfect.

When I was a kid I never wanted children, and my kids say they don't either. This is a natural reaction: a child sees how hard its parents work and knows kids are all-consuming; a daughter sees her mother weighed down with the burden and responsibility of parenthood in a way her father is not quite - and baulks at taking that on.

Of course kids saying they don't want kids when they grow up means nothing much - most will want them when they're grown just as I did, suddenly and fiercely, in my thirties.

But it does point to the truth that everyone sees: motherhood is all-consuming and forever. Of course I should say "parenthood", and the rise of hands-on dads and fathers taking on primary carer roles and writing and talking about it is a wonderful, wonderful thing which is changing the world.  But all over the world and even in our corner of it, it remains true that motherhood for most mothers takes over a woman's body, mind and soul, her daily life, her working style, her choices and the trajectory of her life, more totally than it does for most men.

'Mother and Child' 2010 - Nationaal Archief via Flickr

I often think of all those writers and painters in the past, married to women who were also writers, painters, sculptors or dancers, and who had children. Funny how the men's art was not much affected, while the women were far less prolific.

'13th Century Mother' by Hans via Flickr

Of course many women, especially writers, weave motherhood into their art. And many find motherhood a source of joyous creativity.  Mothers who aren't artists often feel that creativity too: times when you are in lockstep with your child and buzzing with ideas and happiness and competence.







Sometimes motherhood can feel like a delicious, secret club that men have passed up.

But there is no denying that having children curtails your freedom. Everyone knows this, and you know it before you have them. 

But still, somehow, it is a massive shock when this hits you for real. You might be nursing a fussing baby, or realising you are stuck at home for hours while they sleep, or dragging yourself out of bed when you really, really, REALLY don't want to get up. Then you're suddenly, truly aware that you can no longer do whatever you want to do.

Then there is the even worse realisation, after the first few times you have worried or panicked or seen some horrifying future for your child: this worry and fear is forever. It is never, never lessening, and it is never, never going away. Oh f...., I remember thinking, as this dawned on me. No one would ever take this on if they fully realised what lay in wait. 

If you get some time to yourself, it is limited. Very limited. I still remember the disbelief I felt when pregant while reading some tips for mothers on how to relax and recharge in a 15 minute or 30 minute window while children were occupied. 15 minutes. 15 minutes?? 

Or you get a night off, and you go out for dinner. A grown-up dinner with your friends, or a special night with your partner. And what do you think about? Your kids. (At least part of the time).

'Mother's Day'
Mother and child in Ubud, Bali, 2008 - by purplbutrfly via Flickr

Of course, there is more freedom as kids get older. But you are never "free and clear". You are never a totally autonomous being, ever again.

'A Canadian mother, Mrs Jack Wright, says goodbye to her two sons
Ralph Wright and David Wright, whom she leaves in a day nursery
while she works at a part-time job' - Toronto, 1943.
Library and Archives Canada, via Flickr

But then, who is?

No one wants complete autonomy, because that only comes with no human connections and no responsibilities.  We need both to live and thrive.

'Mother and Son', Rio Juma, Amazon, 2006
by pellaea via Flickr

'Mother Love' by ulfhams_vikingur via Flickr