12 Resolutions: August (and July recap)

This year I'm playing along with #12Resolutions on Twitter and Facebook. The idea is to set yourself short-term, achievable goals, one each month. 

For July my goal was to pay attention to my moods and feelings, and to take a moment to consider them, before I react.

I think this was successful. I wasn't overly taxed, I have to say, and I was sick for two weeks (one week of which I spent most of my time sleeping), so this has seemed like something of a short month.  But I don't recall any messy scenes or reactions that I regretted, for this month. Yay!

So anyway I am going to continue with this one, as I think it's a worthwhile ongoing exercise. 

For August, my goal is to set myself daily limits on time-wasting activities, such as internet surfing and playing dumb games on my phone, and to spend that time doing productive things instead.

I'm still allowed to read Twitter, check Facebook, relax with 9Gag before I go to sleep, and read blogs, stories and news online. But these things are to be limited to 10-minute blocks, not half-hour (or longer!) stretches.

What will I do with all my extra time? Well, here are some things I've been meaning to do. Who knows, maybe one or two of these will get tackled this month:

• clean out the pantry
• clean out and sort the linen cupboard
• sort and tidy my bedside table
• write some short stories
• read some of the books in my to-read list
• get eight hours' sleep every night

What's on your to-do list this month?

#12Resolutions:

January: walk 5 times a week (done - I now walk daily)
February: write 2 short stories (failed - wrote none!)
March: write 1 short story, and start Project Management course (done)
April: visit GP and complete or schedule the follow-ups (done)
May: complete one module of Project Management course (failed)
June: working day money savers: public transport and packed lunch (done)
July: pay attention to needs, moods and emotions to manage reactions (done, and ongoing)

August: limit time-wasting activities on my phone

12 Resolutions: July (and June recap)

This year I'm playing along with #12Resolutions on Twitter and Facebook. The idea is to set yourself short-term, achievable goals, one each month. 

For June my goal was to save money by taking the train to work 3 days a week, and bringing a packed lunch at least 3 days. (I work 4 days a week).

Well, I'm chalking this one up as a success. I didn't take the train 3 days - more like an average of 1.5 days out of 4. But that's 1.5 days more than I had been taking it before.  And lunch...well, I brought in a packed lunch EVERY DAY! How's that!

The benefits were as I expected: I did save a bit of money, and my days were moderately more active for the extra walking and standing that public transport forces on you.

The disadvantage of making and bringing lunch: virtually none. I had had cynical thoughts that it wouldn't be much cheaper by the time I bought extra sandwich stuff and snacks at the supermarket (not true - it's still cheaper) and I thought packing a lunch every night would be a major drag, based on the fact that I find making my kids' lunchboxes a drag. Not true - making my own lunch is much more interesting than making my kids', because as I do it I'm thinking "ooh yummy" and looking forward to each bit. 

The disadvantage of public transport is just as I remember it: the commute takes longer, and is more tiring. But hey, that's life. I can't afford to drive into work every day, so it's back to the rat race for me.

Tokyoform/Flickr

So, on to July.

This month I am concentrating on my emotions and reactions. 

Sometimes, I feel a bit like this:

mar.al/Flickr

And when I am overly-stretched, or tired, or I haven't been taking care of myself, my emotions can get the better of me and I can react badly - the whole time scratching my head and wondering why.

'Exploding Harbor' by Justin Gaurav Murgai /Flickr

At my age my  emotional states should not be a mystery to me. And when I slow down and really listen to myself and pay attention to what's going on, I can usually figure myself out. 

So this month I'm resolving to pay attention to my moods and feelings, and to take a moment to consider them, before I react.  I will keep my commitments manageable, know my limits and my needs, and NOTICE my feelings before they get to the stage where I am going to explode with rage or get all weepy and want to retire to a dark room and feel sorry for myself.

I don't do either of those things all the time, by the way. But I can get frustrated/angry/anxious too easily and can get better at managing myself, keeping things on an even keel so that stress, anxiety and over-reactions are at bay.

I think I know what I need to get this done. And I anticipate, as I go through this month and do all my noticing and listening to myself, that maybe other things will come up too.

So, this month should be interesting. I'm pretty psyched for this resolution. It's not as concrete or measurable as the others, so it doesn't let me slide in on statistics. This one is going to take some real work.

Oh, and I have a mini goal to add as well: Pandora has challenged me to complete a unit in my course, and she'll do the same. So, I'll work on that as well.

Here's to July (even if I'm a week late). Have a great month!



#12Resolutions:

January: walk 5 times a week (done - I now walk daily)
February: write 2 short stories (failed - wrote none!)
March: write 1 short story, and start Project Management course (done)
April: visit GP and complete or schedule the follow-ups (done)
May: complete one module of Project Management course (failed)
June: working day money savers: public transport and packed lunch (done)
July: pay attention to needs, moods and emotions to manage reactions 

Kids need other kids

I have realised since my kids were about four that kids crave and need the company of other children. At some point between the ages of 4 and 6, kids cease preferring the company of their parents to the company of other kids.

For my kids it was about age 5 when spending the day with Mum or Dad ceased to be better than a playdate, but even earlier than that you can see kids - even babies - light up in the company of a sibling or friend and they need that.

It's school holidays here and this time round I'm working through most of it, and the kids have been thoroughly prepped on expectations. There will be no Melbourne Show, certainly no 'holiday' away, and lots of time with Mum, Dad or Grandma at home. Booooorrrrrrinnnggg! On the flip side, for the second holidays in a row they won't need to spend any days at a holiday program, which I can categorically confirm they do NOT crave, and they are happy about that.

But we have organised a couple of playdates and there will be other impromptu ones, as the kids get bored and parents, especially non-working ones, need a break.

I happen to love hosting playdates. They force me to get the house clean and tidy (or an illusion thereof, with my bedroom door remaining suspiciously closed throughout and out of bounds for the kids as much as the forbidden room in Bluebeard's castle). I barely have to do anything, as the kids at this age will entertain themselves. The kids get to see that other kids like their house and their mum and it makes them appreciate those things a bit more. If I'm friends with the parents we get to catch up for coffee. But most of all, the kids are happy and they come out of themselves and their "home" personalities, in the company of their friends.

Change the environment - or the company - and change the child.

Neither of my kids is a big outdoor person. Both are a bit squeamish about the messier aspects of outdoor play: dirt, itchiness, prickles, insects. I'm determined they will walk to school at least some days from next year, and I try to impart some of the wonder and discovery of nature in walks and backyards that I loved as a child: blades of grass, the shapes of leaves, caterpillars and roly-poly beetles, snails, clover, the sky, seeds and tree litter on the ground.  I've bought my kids magnifying glasses and we've gone hunting for bugs together, and I've tried to suppress my revulsion for spiders and cockroaches. (Since the drought ended we get plenty of bees, butterflies and dragonflies, which is lovely because during that 14-year drought butterflies seemed to disappear and I thought my kids would miss out on that joy as they have missed playing in the sprinkler and being squirted with the hose).

Even 4 weeks in a Greek village playing outside all day didn't squash my kids' fear of creepy-crawlies. "Pedia tis polis (city kids)," I would say to bemused relatives, when my child would screech at a beetle near her feet.

So what did get my kids get into beetle appreciation? Just having a friend over yesterday who suggested looking for bugs in the garden.

What got them wanting to climb the tree in the backyard?  Just having a friend over last week who showed them how to do it.

What convinced my daughter M it was safe for her and A to go to the park up the end of our street without me? Just friends visiting last weekend who suggested they all go to the park. A. was overjoyed and even M. couldn't get out of the house fast enough. Watching four kids aged nearly-eight to eleven walk out the front yard and head up to the park 200m away, I was reminded of the great times I had with my cousins as a kid, walking to the shops or the park without grown-ups.

Of course, you can't overdo it. We all know it can turn into Lord of the Flies when kids are unsupervised, and kids running wild in the suburbs of the past encountered their share of horrors.

But it takes the company of other kids to foster growth and change and the shedding of old habits in a kid, as well as the kind of socialisation they just can't get from their parents.

Children playing under a tree, 1930s
State Library of Victoria

A Quick Happiness Test

OK, so we're all past that whole "seeking happiness" thing, right?

We know life is hard, the human condition includes suffering and despair, and our brains aren't interested in making us happy, only in ensuring we survive? And that life is difficult and absurd with fleeting moments of bliss?

Cool.

Even so, every now and then comes a reminder that, during times not marred by horrible circumstances, it is indeed possible to choose to be happy, or at least not to be miserable.

Professor Ed Diener is one of the founders of positive psychology and a leading researcher into happiness and well-being. He is profiled in The Age today in 'The Happy Medium' (Michael Short, The Zone).

It's not really news to read that "Happiness is caused by relationships, goals and habits –and not by lots of money", that "happy people are healthier", and that "one of the best ways to be happy is, paradoxically, to not worry too much about being happy, but to focus instead on a goal".

We generally already know that "happiness" (in the sense of contentment or fulfillment), is a combination of a positive outlook, good relationships, having a purpose or goal and/or skill, and acceptance of circumstances.

But even if most of that is fairly familiar to us now, what I liked about this article was the reminder that we can and should seek these things - even while we know, of course, that awful circumstances can and do prevent happiness, and life can be cruel and unfair. But for most of us, life is a combination of good times and bad, so we do have the ability to seek contentment in some form.

The other thing I liked was this quick test to measure how happy you are (in case you are not sure):


Quick happiness test suggested by Michael Short and Ed Diener:

It's this: ask yourself or someone else what are the top 10 things you like to do. Then ask when you last did those things. While there can be compelling reasons why we are not doing what we like - caring for someone, investing time in study or other intensive projects - it's often the case unhappiness is caused by neglecting to do these things.  Crucially, almost without exception those lists contain an overwhelming majority of pastimes that do not require money.

Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-happy-medium-20130721-2qcrg.html#ixzz2ZlwGJKg9

For example, if you were me your ten (or eleven) things might look something like this:

• walking
• reading
• writing
• art
• talking with my kids - especially ideas, theories, how people are, how life is, etc
• cartoons / humour
• family gatherings
• coffee/dinner with friends
• spending time with or watching animals
• sitting on grass
• looking at the sky / stars

I do about half of these often, and the rest quite rarely, though I used to do them often.

It's an interesting point.

Personally I think being "happy" comes from relationships, having enough money so that life is not constantly stressful, being busy without being overly stretched, doing a job you don't hate, and having enough room/time for some hobbies. Sometimes, with luck, we may even manage all those things at once.

There's not much else. We're animals seeking to live, accumulate resources, and if we want to, to procreate. Everything else is a bonus.

What do you think about the happiness test?

maen_cg/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Schoolyard shenanigans

Well, it has begun.

My girls are seven and a half, and girls that age, it would appear, begin to sort themselves and each other out, and to call out each other's behaviour in a big way.

Drawing by little-drawing-wall via Tumblr, 

used with permission

This is not entirely innate. Our schools are trying their hardest to combat the twin scourges of bullying and childhood anxiety, and kids are being drilled in the language of self-defense and resilience, and in recognizing and calling out bad behaviour. Is it all a bit heavy-handed? Who knows - they are certainly handling it twenty times better than schools did in my day, so you know, carry on.

But kids absorb messages in unexpected ways, and are expert at subverting them too. (As in the boy who was mean to A. in the playground and then sneered when she got upset, "So? 'Bounce back'!")

It will be interesting to see how this generation of youngsters grows up, and what ails them. (I am guessing the same old stuff).

Anyway, all of a sudden the things my girls are telling me about school every day (and into the night) are sounding like this:

"I don't want to be friends with L anymore, she is so rude and she is always lying." 

"B was upset today because C said she was rude but I know she wasn't rude, she was upset because D said she was bossy." 

"R and L are always fighting, and it gives me a big headache. And I tell them, 'Girls, stop fighting! I want to be both of your friend but you have to get along!' And I say that every day, mum, it's every day!" 

"I really like R, she is my best friend, but she is mean to L and then sometimes I have to go and help L, and I like L. But then L gets mad at me and she's rude to me, and it's not my fault. And L said her mum told her not to play with me and R anymore." 

At first when these things cropped up I had all the answers. I gave what I thought was good advice, stressing the importance of friendship, compromise, sharing, understanding, and being nice to each other.  I suggested specific things to say which I thought were helpful. I think sometimes they were helpful, sometimes not.

Now I'm feeling less sure. More and more I feel like I don't have answers to the kinds of questions they are bringing home.

M. in particular is bringing home these fraught conversations every day, and tells me about them in stories that go on for 15 minutes or more while I sit there and nod and say "Mmmm" and wait for her to finish.

I know all these girls moderately well. I don't kid myself I know everything, because I am a grown-up and not hanging out in the school yard. I don't kid myself my daughter is an angel - in fact I spend half the time she tells me these stories looking out for what she has done 'wrong' or is not telling me. Then I sense she knows this and may sometimes twist a story a little to keep herself out of blame. Then I think I'm being unfair and then I think, crap! I've lost the thread of what she's telling me while I'm thinking all this!

My daughter M is empathetic and very good at making friends, and is pretty popular. As a result she is loving herself sick at the moment, and that can make her a bit cavalier with her friends. But she does worry about all her friends and tries to 'look after' everyone. At least, that's what I think is happening.

R is her best friend and a lovely kid, who has been used to having M all to herself for awhile and is not thrilled about others joining their 'group'.

L is new, and has few friends. She is a sweet kid and loves M. L's mum hosted a playdate to get all the kids playing together and help foster friendships for her daughter, and a week later I had the kids over to our house as well. From what I've seen and what I deduce from M's nightly tales of woe, it's possible L may be one of those kids who struggles a bit with friendships and social niceties (as my other daughter A has done a bit).

The kids have dobbed on each other to yard duty teachers and their class teacher, and have got varied advice, from 'you have to sort it out yourselves' to the same kind of advice I was giving, and finally to 'don't play with each other anymore!'

I worry about L and her parents are so lovely, and I've been really tempted to call her mum and talk about it - but I don't think that would be a good idea. We don't know each other well enough, and she might think I am criticizing her child or defending mine; and I also don't want to interfere and push their friendship if it's really not working.

I'm thinking I'll talk to the class teacher and ask for her thoughts. Maybe she can have a chat to all three kids - but I think she may already have done that.

I don't want to 'fix' friendships or solve every problem for my kids. (Well of course I do want to but I know I can't). I would just like to know what to say when they talk to me about these things.

It would be nice if I was skilled at the social stuff myself, so I would know what to do!

So I'm off to visit the websites of Easy Peasy Kids and Michael Grose in search of some ideas.

How do you deal with this stuff? I need some tips!

Reasons My Kids Are Fighting

I loved this blog post "Reasons My Kids Are Fighting" by Free Range in Suburbia. Outstanding.
Shae kindly agreed to let me copy.

So here goes.


Reasons my kids are fighting:

• because one is playing with the iPad so the other has to make do with the iPhone 
• because they can't agree on a DVD to watch and I make the SPECTACULAR mistake of allowing one of them to watch a DVD on the TV and the other to watch one on my laptop - then they fight over the TV or fight over the laptop - and I have neither TV nor laptop
• because it's Sunday and there is only one newspaper delivered so they can't both go out and pick up one section each like they do on Saturday

Here are more, in their own words:

• because she's singing along to my favourite song and I didn't sing along to hers
• because she's playing too loudly
• because she always wants to watch Tinkerbell and I hate it
• because I never get to watch Tinkerbell
• because she's looking out "my" car window *
• because she always says "me first" 
• because she sat in Daddy's chair yesterday and now it's my turn 
• because she made her teddy bear the girl and she says mine has to be the boy and that's not fair
• because we're playing Power Rangers and she wants to be the pink girl but I said it first 
• because she said she's good with cats and she's not 
• because I gave her one of my magazine pictures and she didn't give me anything
• because she's stretching out in the bath and I'm all squashed
• because she used all the bubbles in the bath
• because she scratched me by mistake and didn't say sorry
• because I had that idea and now she's doing it too
• because I liked One Direction first and now she wants a One Direction CD 

Additional, 14 April 2013:

• because she drew herself pretty and drew me funny 

Image by Piyaphon at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

All siblings fight. Mine aren't too bad. They play together and get on very well. But they still fight every day.

I think my sister and I were worse. I do remember my dad one day getting completely exasperated with us, and yelling at us about how much we fought, saying, "You two fight MORE than other kids, MORE than NORMAL. It's not NORMAL. You're NOT NORMAL!"

Most of the time my kids' fighting doesn't even bother me - much. Until suddenly it does. Then I snap and yell or say something like "Oh for god's sake, can you two NOT play a SINGLE GAME without FIGHTING?"

And in the back of my head echoes my dad's exasperated cry "It's not normal!"
But of course, it is.

* That made me laugh when I read it on Shae's blog, because my kids just had the exact same fight this week.   In fact I think my sister and I fought over this one too. It's a thing!

An Unscientific Study: Does Wild Wind Affect Kids' Behaviour?

Yesterday here in Melbourne town we had some very wild windy weather. Winds up to 140km/hr hit much of the state causing havoc.

Photo of St Kilda beach, not near my house,
and not taken yesterday. Similar weather though.

In my house some havoc reigned as well, albeit not as serious as those houses which suffered damage- not to make light of that by any means. The kids were unsettled all day, and a little freaked out at night-time when the winds picked up and we put the dog outside. M was frightened poor Harry would "get blown away", and while I assured her that could never happen, it did give me pause for our fluffy little guy for a moment.

Harry attends to the call of the mild

(He was fine, if a little alarmed).



Today I noticed this post from No Excuses! which grabbed my attention thusly:

"When ever there is gale forced winds, children (and animals too) tend to play up big time. They are rowdy, psycho, loud, full of energy and just constantly on the go (more so than normal).  To sum it up in one word they are WILD."


This reminded me that my cousin - who has had kids a bit longer than me and is a wise and practical mum - has always said the same thing, that kids turn rowdy in windy weather. And that, subsequent to her pointing it out, I had noticed the same thing myself. At least I think I have.


Intrigued, I hit Google with "kids behaviour and windy weather" and found quite a bit:

• From the UK Daily Mail, an article from April 2011, "Strike-hit school Governor blames pupil anarchy ... on wind and rain"
• From a Montessori pre-school in Maine, USA, a blog post from October 2011, "Windy Days at School" - which includes this lovely line: "After 5 years of observing children’s behavior I can accurately report windy days= silly days, even in a Montessori classroom"
• a post on the blog of the author of What to Expect When You're Expecting, from August 2011, "Child Behaviour Problems: Rain, Rain Go Away". This post refers to "hot, dry and windy" weather and to a book which posits that "wind can make people psychologically unsettled because it changes the ion content of the air which in turn can effect blood pressure, allergies and a whole host of physical systems "
• Discussion forums on ABC Online, where one person posits that wind represents "tactile, auditory and visual stimulation" and many report the same impact on horses galloping in paddocks on windy days
• Discussion forum on Yahoo Answers, where the best answer referred to ions and chemicals impacting behaviour, and also (I like this a lot): "it is possible that truly windy days bring forth excitement from the child- i am a young adult and the strong winds excite me still as it is unusual and partially scary watching trees bend in odd ways. it may simply be a release of adrenalin"
• Discussion forums on parenting blogs such as Essential Baby
• Personal blog posts by parents, such as this one

So what to think, what to think? Is this a real thing? Or is it a myth, as most serious studies infer is the belief that the full moon influences behavior? (I know many, many people swear it does, but I admit I am not a believer on this one).

Does it sit in myth-busted but much contested territory like the idea that sugar causes kids to be hyperactive?

I am conflicted on some of these beliefs. On the one hand as a respecter of science, I'm not keen to argue with empirical evidence, and you have to listen when multiple studies show no valid causation link. On the other hand, it irks me when the real-world, long-term and consistent experience of mothers and teachers is dismissed out of hand because someone can't replicate it in a lab. That, I believe, happens a little too often.

Does the weather (especially wind) influence behaviour?

Well first, let me look to my own behaviour. There's wind and there's wind. Cold, blustery, rainy windy weather is not my thing, and it does not affect me, other than make me cold and annoyed. But I love hot dry windy days (though I know they're a fire hazard), and I do perk up and feel outdoorsy and energetic in them. As a teenager I remember my sister comparing me to our red setter on a windy day - which was flattering, as you can imagine. But I'll admit the comparison was fair.

Thank you, Microsoft clipart. Not a red setter but close enough.

So I relate to the Best Answer poster in Yahoo Answers and also to the poster on the ABC Science thread who wrote "I'm like a pixie on speed on a windy day".

What about my kids? Well, yesterday on our gusty Melbourne day my kids were a handful, but can I blame the wild windy weather?

A lot had gone on in our house of late. In the last 3 months, the kids have been on an overseas odyssey, I've broken my arm, our work and school routines have changed, and the kids have experienced some of the usual but upsetting schoolyard dramas that inhabit the world of girls.

This past week I had an operation to pin my arm and then was sick. Yesterday was my first day back working (from home thankfully), and it coincided with the Victorian teachers' strike which meant the kids were home too. My mother was on hand to manage the kids so I could work, but it was a strange day. The kids were unsettled and were not used to having me up and about. I had just resurfaced from a weird lost week that began with an operation and two days of drugged-out (blissful) recovery, followed by 3 days of illness, which took me out of our family's action for 6 strange, bedridden days.  The upheaval to our family life had left all of us tired and unsettled.

So... we are a long way from a controlled experiment into the weather's impact on kids' behaviour at my place.  But I'm not ruling it out.

What about you? Does the wind affect you or your kids? Tell me a story!

Impudence!

Dear Blog,
My children are refusing to do what I tell them and are also outwitting me verbally. They are six. What should I do?


Another year, another book decrying "helicopter parenting" and telling us to ignore the children. This year's book, 'Bringing Up Bebe' (or 'French Children Don't Throw Food') by Pamela Druckerman, tells us the French rear their children better and as a result the kids learn to be patient and well-behaved.

You can save some time by reading this tres drole piss-take at The Guardian.

I say baloney!

No kid is well behaved all the time - even in France.

No average-to-good parent either smothers their children or lets them run wild.

My kids don't throw food, even though they cannot speak French.  I get compliments daily on how lovely and charming and polite and well-behaved they are (thank you, daycare!).

Yet they are right little buggers at home much some of the time.


I give you two examples, both from yesterday.


Example 1:
The kids and I were sprawled on the floor of the loungeroom playing with the blocks. A asked for a toy that was on the other side of the room. "Off you go," I said. "No, you get it," she replied. "No, you," I said. Etc. There followed a bit of banter as to whose responsibility it was, who had tired legs, who was closer, etc. Then A said casually, "Anyway, you're not working anymore, so you can get it."

Excuse me???

I tell you what, as I reached over and retrieved the toy I really let her know who was out of line!


Example 2:
Last night it was very important to me that I sit down and watch the "movie-length special" (a.k.a.  "two episodes") of Homeland. This was because: (1) Homeland is currently my favourite TV show of all time; (2) I have had very little adult time in the evenings lately with M not sleeping; and (3) I just wanted to. As the show started at 8:30 that should have been easily possible. I prepped the kids throughout the day by reminding them that bed-time is 8:30 and tonight I'd be watching an adult movie that they absolutely couldn't watch, tomorrow is school and they have to be in bed by 8:30, etc etc etc.

We were all in agreement.

By 8pm, dinner and bath were done and the kids were winding down playing quietly in their rooms. We were on track.

At 8:10 the playing sounded louder and had moved to the one room. I popped my head in, reminded them to play quietly and that bed-time was 8:30. As I left I said "Don't make a mess."

At 8:20 I came to put them to bed and say good-night, and walked into THIS in A's room:

I must add, that the above photo was only ONE portion of the bedroom floor (and I took it this morning after "some" had been cleaned up!). The entire floor was covered with Barbies, Squinkies, Strawberry Shortcakes, My Little Ponies, McDonald's Alvin and the Chipmunks toys, Disney Princesses, notepads, stickers, doll clothes, cars, dollhouse furniture, pencils, bracelets.... and more.

"What's this?!" I moaned. "Girls! I TOLD you not to make a mess!"

M stood next to me, unfazed, and nodded sympathetically. And she said (get this): "Frustrating, isn't it?"

At least that made me laugh, though I was trying not to.

What do you think?

Are your kids well-behaved?

Are you strict at home or relaxed, or do you do a bit of both?