The Olympics

The Olympics are on! So I decided to write something about the Olympics.

I've written before how much I love the Olympics. I always have, ever since childhood, when during school any teacher who could commandeer a TV would set it up in a corner of the classroom for as long as they could get away with it.

The Art of Leisure

I just came across a post in my Facebook feed called The Lost Art of Leisure, which I didn't have time to read but which I have bookmarked for later. I think I know what it says though, and the title struck a chord with me.

12 Resolutions: August (and July recap)

This year I'm playing along with #12Resolutions on Twitter and Facebook. The idea is to set yourself short-term, achievable goals, one each month. 

For July my goal was to pay attention to my moods and feelings, and to take a moment to consider them, before I react.

I think this was successful. I wasn't overly taxed, I have to say, and I was sick for two weeks (one week of which I spent most of my time sleeping), so this has seemed like something of a short month.  But I don't recall any messy scenes or reactions that I regretted, for this month. Yay!

So anyway I am going to continue with this one, as I think it's a worthwhile ongoing exercise. 

For August, my goal is to set myself daily limits on time-wasting activities, such as internet surfing and playing dumb games on my phone, and to spend that time doing productive things instead.

I'm still allowed to read Twitter, check Facebook, relax with 9Gag before I go to sleep, and read blogs, stories and news online. But these things are to be limited to 10-minute blocks, not half-hour (or longer!) stretches.

What will I do with all my extra time? Well, here are some things I've been meaning to do. Who knows, maybe one or two of these will get tackled this month:

• clean out the pantry
• clean out and sort the linen cupboard
• sort and tidy my bedside table
• write some short stories
• read some of the books in my to-read list
• get eight hours' sleep every night

What's on your to-do list this month?

#12Resolutions:

January: walk 5 times a week (done - I now walk daily)
February: write 2 short stories (failed - wrote none!)
March: write 1 short story, and start Project Management course (done)
April: visit GP and complete or schedule the follow-ups (done)
May: complete one module of Project Management course (failed)
June: working day money savers: public transport and packed lunch (done)
July: pay attention to needs, moods and emotions to manage reactions (done, and ongoing)

August: limit time-wasting activities on my phone

How our lives have changed

From this (2007):

To this (now):

It is truly remarkable how much the smartphone has changed our lives, in such a short time.  It's become a different world in 6 rapid years.

When I go out, even for a walk, it feels natural to me to be holding my phone in my hand. Not in my bag, or in my pocket, but in my hand.

I only walk and read sometimes - mostly I refrain from using my phone while I'm actually walking, because you don't want to be one of these people.

I don't tweet, Facebook, read or text too much in front of the kids, because you don't want to be one of these parents.

I'm only on level 41 of Candy Crush. I have wasted more time than is healthy playing dumb games on my phone, but I've petered off from that now. There is only so much time in the day, and we have less time than ever, so why fritter it all away on playing games?

But so much is so good. Twitter: news, conversations, comedy and reading: I love you, always and forever. Google maps. Google anything. Texts, messaging and email. Postcodes, currency conversions, Greek name days, constellations, world maps, bus timetables and movie screenings at a glance. News, essays, NASA photos, fiction and podcasts 24/7.  Utilities: pedometers, calculators, trackers, diaries, flashlight, remote logins for work.

The only thing I don't use my phone for that much is telephoning.

The other day I went walking and I left my phone at home. Last week I left it on my desk while I stepped out for lunch. It sounds ridiculous I know, but on those two occasions it was like stepping back in time, to the world as it used to be. Pre-smartphone, I didn't always take my phone with me. I didn't have it switched on all the time. I certainly didn't sleep with it tucked under my pillow as I...um..."sometimes" do now...

We are all uneasy at being "plugged in" 24/7. We all know that too much internet (too much anything) is bad for us. We all know we have to limit our screen time or we will live our lives plugged into the matrix and not living real life at all.

If you're older than me, you probably find this whole thing quite perplexing, simple or absurd. Baby boomers don't tend to struggle with smartphone addiction. If you're younger than me you probably don't see the problem.  Maybe it's a Gen X thing.

Anyway, it's changed our lives. The smartphone, the internet, and the seductive combination of the two.




Image credit:
@leftsider tweet image from HuffPost Tech "oldtweets" story from 2012: read here.
This image is of an embedded tweet which is public.
Second image: 9Gag

Motherhood and Autonomy

Here is one of those fantastic one-line quotations that just says so much:

Forced motherhood is a kind of slavery, because motherhood and autonomy can never coexist.

This was in the closing paragraph of Tanya Gold's excellent piece "The Anti-Abortion Lobby is Barbaric" (The Guardian Comment Is Free 22 April 2013).  (Thanks to Glosswatch for the breakaway quote and link to the article).


Leaving aside the abortion issue, just focus on this portion:

motherhood and autonomy can never coexist.

I think that little phrase is perfect.

When I was a kid I never wanted children, and my kids say they don't either. This is a natural reaction: a child sees how hard its parents work and knows kids are all-consuming; a daughter sees her mother weighed down with the burden and responsibility of parenthood in a way her father is not quite - and baulks at taking that on.

Of course kids saying they don't want kids when they grow up means nothing much - most will want them when they're grown just as I did, suddenly and fiercely, in my thirties.

But it does point to the truth that everyone sees: motherhood is all-consuming and forever. Of course I should say "parenthood", and the rise of hands-on dads and fathers taking on primary carer roles and writing and talking about it is a wonderful, wonderful thing which is changing the world.  But all over the world and even in our corner of it, it remains true that motherhood for most mothers takes over a woman's body, mind and soul, her daily life, her working style, her choices and the trajectory of her life, more totally than it does for most men.

'Mother and Child' 2010 - Nationaal Archief via Flickr

I often think of all those writers and painters in the past, married to women who were also writers, painters, sculptors or dancers, and who had children. Funny how the men's art was not much affected, while the women were far less prolific.

'13th Century Mother' by Hans via Flickr

Of course many women, especially writers, weave motherhood into their art. And many find motherhood a source of joyous creativity.  Mothers who aren't artists often feel that creativity too: times when you are in lockstep with your child and buzzing with ideas and happiness and competence.







Sometimes motherhood can feel like a delicious, secret club that men have passed up.

But there is no denying that having children curtails your freedom. Everyone knows this, and you know it before you have them. 

But still, somehow, it is a massive shock when this hits you for real. You might be nursing a fussing baby, or realising you are stuck at home for hours while they sleep, or dragging yourself out of bed when you really, really, REALLY don't want to get up. Then you're suddenly, truly aware that you can no longer do whatever you want to do.

Then there is the even worse realisation, after the first few times you have worried or panicked or seen some horrifying future for your child: this worry and fear is forever. It is never, never lessening, and it is never, never going away. Oh f...., I remember thinking, as this dawned on me. No one would ever take this on if they fully realised what lay in wait. 

If you get some time to yourself, it is limited. Very limited. I still remember the disbelief I felt when pregant while reading some tips for mothers on how to relax and recharge in a 15 minute or 30 minute window while children were occupied. 15 minutes. 15 minutes?? 

Or you get a night off, and you go out for dinner. A grown-up dinner with your friends, or a special night with your partner. And what do you think about? Your kids. (At least part of the time).

'Mother's Day'
Mother and child in Ubud, Bali, 2008 - by purplbutrfly via Flickr

Of course, there is more freedom as kids get older. But you are never "free and clear". You are never a totally autonomous being, ever again.

'A Canadian mother, Mrs Jack Wright, says goodbye to her two sons
Ralph Wright and David Wright, whom she leaves in a day nursery
while she works at a part-time job' - Toronto, 1943.
Library and Archives Canada, via Flickr

But then, who is?

No one wants complete autonomy, because that only comes with no human connections and no responsibilities.  We need both to live and thrive.

'Mother and Son', Rio Juma, Amazon, 2006
by pellaea via Flickr

'Mother Love' by ulfhams_vikingur via Flickr

The Free Time Paradox

via My Humor Spot and reblogged all over the internet

As everyone knows, once you are a parent there is no free time. I don't want to sound like a woe is mom, because I am actually not complaining about it. (Though it is OK to complain about it because sometimes it can suck).

What you have instead are these:

• snatched time here and there; 
• work time; 
• supermarket shopping time (if you get to go alone); 
• negotiated, fought for or paid for time out (e.g. meet friends for dinner or a movie); and
• collapse-on-the-couch-after-kids-are-in-bed time.

When my twins were babies the thing that hit me hardest was how little time I had to myself, to do exactly what I wanted. In fact, it was with a kind of hazed-out horror that I realised that I would never have that sort of time, really, ever again.

The advice in baby books and magazine articles designed to help with "tips" such as "take fifteen minutes" to have a quiet cup of tea, paint your nails or relax outside while the baby slept or played in her cot horrified me. Fifteen minutes? FIFTEEN MINUTES? Pre-baby I was used to frittering away whole afternoons reading, walking or watching movies. No fifteen minute "me time" was going to do anything helpful for me.

Of course, everyone struggles with this and of course it does get better. 

Now my kids are nearly seven, I still can't while away whole mornings or afternoons doing whatever I want, but things are not as relentless, and I no longer feel I am living life on a hamster wheel spinning between home and work and home again.

I still yearn for more free time. 

But when I have it, I often don't know what to do with it.

Even if I plan what I'm going to do, I don't always enjoy it, or fully engage with it.

Instead I fret about how little time I have left, think of jobs or work I could be doing [not that I want to], or daydream about doing something else.

Sometimes all I want (NEED) to do is relax. So I will lie on the couch, or sleep, or watch TV or read, as I know this is what is best for me right now.

But oddly I am rarely recharged, happy or calmer after these sessions. It could be, of course, that by the time I do it I'm so exhausted that an hour in bed is not going to be enough. 

But sometimes I think it's something else.

It's hard to truly relax and enjoy yourself when you're unhappy with the state of your house or you have not done things you know you need to do - whether those are to do with work, self-care, housekeeping or administrivia, they have a way of gnawing at you and sapping any pleasure from "me time" until you tackle them.

It's where that advice from The Happiness Project comes from: if something takes you less than a minute to do, do it now, and you'll be happier. Hang up that jacket; return that book to the bookshelf. It's true, and we all know it.

Of course, it is also slightly annoying advice because, just as when my husband refers to a task as "only five minutes", what it, and he, infuriatingly neglects to remember is that home life is full of a million tasks that only take one minute, or five minutes. If you just attended to everything that you can do in a minute or five minutes, you could still be on your feet and doing stuff all day long (at least you could in my house).  So, you know - take advice like this where it's helpful, and leave it where it's not.

But here are two examples of how I used "free time" this week and how it affected my mood.

(1) Relaxed. Said "stuff it" to housework, shut my eyes to mounting chaos in the loungeroom, watched a DVD and napped. (This was on Tuesday afternoon/evening while the kids were at Greek school. I wasn't working that day, and I did nothing more than the minimum at home, which was parent my kids and prepare meals. I always wonder, why isn't that enough? It should be!)

Result: felt defensive, sluggish, faintly depressed. It's true I "needed" that relaxation time, and it's true that housework never stops and sometimes you just have to leave it. But it doesn't help you feel better about it.

(2) Cleaned up, and cleaned. Tidied living and kitchen area, swept and mopped floors, cleaned kitchen cupboards and surfaces. Swept porch, dusted and brushed dirt away from sills and screen door outside, took 4 bags of rubbish and a load of recycling to the garage.

(This was over 2 days, this weekend, in preparation for the kids having a friend over. I hasten to add this friend had never been here before; close friends and family members bringing their children round does not prompt me to clean).

Result: For the first time in awhile I felt energized and competent. It felt good to be relaxed and confident in a tidy house - benevolent queen of my world. It left me happy and relaxed all day. The sunshine no doubt helped, and the playdate was good - all three girls played happily together and without drama for 3 hours. (I'll say that again: all THREE GIRLS played happily and without DRAMA).

I know - housework and a tidy home should not be what life's all about. And truly, for me they are not (as anyone who visits here can attest). And yes, it all depends on your mood and your energy levels at the time. This weekend was the first in awhile where I haven't had pain in my arm (healing after surgery from a bad break 4 months ago), which has been a real downer, as pain tends to be.

So, you know, I'm not saying this is a meaningful comparison or even telling anyone anything they don't already know.

But it's interesting anyway. We yearn for free time even though we have spent 10,000 years inventing ways of life with little of it. 

We (that is, I) prefer to sit and relax where we can, even though doing other things actually make us (me) happier.

Hosting a play date - assuming all goes well - is quite a good way to find happiness. First, it spurs you to clean the house. Next, you get to sit down and read or do whatever you like while the kids play for hours. Third, it makes your kids happy, which makes you happy too. And fourth, it makes them tired and happy to eat an early dinner and be all tucked up in bed before Homeland starts at 8.30.