Thank you

Hi readers and visitors! Given people are still checking out this blog from Facebook (thank you!), I thought it was well beyond time to update this blog and explain myself.

This blog was a wonderful pastime and creative outlet for me, and gave me membership to a wonderful community of fellow bloggers and readers.

My main theme in this blog was the combination of full-time work and motherhood.

I wrote a lot about full-time work, parenting and twins. I also wrote about books, modern life, some popular science and general thoughts and opinions. Some of my posts were cringe-worthy, some were not bad, and a few were pretty good! No doubt ALL have dated badly.

So what happened?

In 2015 I switched careers to working in IT project and program management, and though I had been  a project manager for some years, working for a technology start-up and later for a small-to-medium company as it matured and developed its own technology capabilities was fascinating and FULL-ON.

I have spent the last few years fully immersed in product development, "agile" development, lean technical projects and the many and various philosophies and community conversations around those. I have been LIVING on Twitter.

Combined with this, my children were growing up and my day to day challenges and interests were different.  Plus, they won't let me post stuff about them anymore - a challenge that hits most blogger parents around the same time :)

So to my poor, neglected personal parenting blog: I unintentionally ghosted it, and the wonderful community who I connected with through here.



via GIPHY

I am sorry to my fellow bloggers whom I stopped visiting, stopped reading, and for whom I left no explanation on this blog! I am sure they are used to it - bloggers come and go, and most blogs end without fanfare or a proper good bye.  I hope everyone is doing well, and I will try and visit your blogs from time to time, as I loved reading them and I miss those perspectives sometimes.

Where am I now?

Meanwhile, if anyone wants to check out my current, more professional blog, it lives here:

https://nonprojectproject.com/

My latest post may be something relatable to some of you :) -
An Introvert's Defence of the Open Plan Office


And I make NO commitment to weekly or monthly updates!

Stay well everyone.
Thanks for visiting, and thanks for reading my stuff.

Keep in touch via Twitter!


Jackie

IT NEVER ENDS

My house is a mess

It causes me stress

But not quite enough

To clean up, I confess.

I try, I do -

I know you do too -

But all I can manage

Is limit the zoo

Work vs Self-Promotion

Here we go: yet another article with "advice" on how to find success - this time at Forbes.com with a terrific example of the genre entitled 'Want to be successful? Quit working so hard'.

There is a solid kernel of truth in this advice, at least in the title. Being known as a 'hard worker', and slaving away at a desk job (or any job) for 12 hours a day will not generally be rewarded with 'success' in terms of money and renown.  Most of us already know this, even if some of us (ahem) only figured it out after years of doing the same.

Tech Life: Build, Test, Release Adventures

For the past year and a half I've been working for a small and smart financial software vendor, which I love. I'd been inching my way from financial services to "the other side" of the software fence for a few months before I made the change, and I thought at the time I had developed a solid understanding of technology vendor-ship and what that work would be like.

But of course, you only know so much until you get there.

New job

I have a new job. 

After 15 years working in stockbroking operations, I am now working for a software vendor and loving it. The vendor's product is fantastic and the company is small, nimble and growing - everything I've been looking for. 

The last couple of years have seen an explosion in agile and cloud-based business and I decided a little while ago that was where I wanted to be. In my last job I worked closely with a couple of very good vendors and it really opened my eyes up to this whole "new" world of agile methods and business in "the cloud".

I've also become a bit disillusioned with much of the financial services industry. I know! It seems like such a good, honest industry, right?! Actually, what I meant by that was, the last few years have just become a bit of a downer. No one is making a lot of money, clients are understandably leery, and as a result of everyone trying lots of different things to try and find new ways of making money, the landscape is constantly changing and there is a lot of "work" but not too much excitement or optimism to go with it. I love the people I worked with - some of them for many, many years - and I did like and will miss many things about my last jobs, but it was definitely time for a change for me.

The new job has been a learning curve for me. I'll admit my first week left me absolutely exhausted. By the end of my second week I was merely fatigued. So by the end of next week I should just be tired! Full steam ahead!

With a change of workplace comes also a change in location. I've worked at the eastern end of the CBD for nearly 15 years, and am now all the way diagonally across the city, at the north-west end.  Many years ago I worked down this way and always did like it. It's a nice part of town.  It's also much, much handier for public transport, and much, much worse for driving - so after only two weeks I have thoroughly broken my previous bad habit of driving to work.  My commute now takes no longer and is much, much cheaper!

The only downside is I am too far away to meet former workmates for lunch. But I'm sure we will work something out.

So, some photos.

My last photo from atop the Herald Sun building on Flinders Street. A little sad to lose this daily view:

My last iCaramba wrap from the Blue Bag cafe on Exhibition Street :(

You can also see on the right of this photo, the iPad loaned from my old job, which I spent my last lunch break restoring to pre-me condition to return it to work - deleting my daughter's Minecraft, Instagram selfies, photo edits, apps and webpages only to remember at the end that there is a one-step "delete iPad" option in Settings.

... And so to the other end of town:

Flagstaff Gardens:

King Street:

Some of the old buildings and remnants of old Melbourne:

 

And I have no idea what this is, but I love it:

A change is as good as a holiday, right?

I hope so, because I won't be getting a holiday for quite a while.

Still here

I'm still here.

I will post something again, but life is busy and changing, my kids are getting older and I can't really blog about them anymore, and work is getting exciting, and so things are a bit different. All in a good way. Life is good.

In lieu of a proper post, here is a quick list of how I've been spending my time. Ciao for now!

CLEANING

DECLUTTERING

RE-ARRANGING FURNITURE

COMMUTING

WORKING

COOKING

GODDAMN LAUNDRY

KIDS AND THEIR FRIENDS

SWIMMING (a little bit)

DOG

LATE NIGHT STUDYING

NECESSARY PRODUCTIVITY BREAKS / FURTHER BRAIN TRAINING

NETFLIX

Drama Mama

Parents who don't do paid work outside the home will sometimes blurt out how it must be nice escaping the chaos of home to go to an office with non-sticky surfaces, cafe coffee and lunch breaks, and they are right of course. When your children are very young, work is lovely (and yes, easy) compared to staying at home.

What's hard is managing it - the juggle, the extra organisation required, the 'double shift' piling laundry, food prep and cleaning on top of a day at work, and managing the emotions of tired and overwrought family members - primarily yourself but also the children.

The other bit that's hard is The Drama.

I can't come in today, my kid's sick. I have to leave early, my kid's sick.
I have to go, my kid's just had a melt-down at school.
I'm going to be late, my kid's sick.
I need to work from home next week, my kid has a specialist appointment.
Sorry I'm late, I just couldn't get my kid ready on time today.
Sorry I'm late, my kids are sick and I had to take them to my mother's so I could come in today.
Oh, can I work from home every Thursday for awhile, so I can attend [insert crucial school/kid-related event here]?
Sorry I'm late, my kid got head lice and I had to shampoo the flammable chemicals out of her hair this morning. Oh and I have to leave right on 5 because it's my turn to do the after-school-care pick-up. And can I leave early on Friday, as I have to take my kids to the school disco which starts at 5pm?

All these are not including the myriad number of times you don't attend school events, get a friend to give your kids a lift, have your mother come by the house at 6.30am so you can leave on time, dose your kid with Panadol and send her to school and hope for the best, or win an hour-long argument with your spouse about whose turn it is to take time off work to tend to a sick child.

To make up for late starts I usually take a shorter lunch break, or I stay back a couple of times a week (and that always has consequences at home).  I'm no martyr and my job and employers and my manager are all fantastic, so I'm not complaining. Not at all.

I'm highlighting how embarrassing it is, sometimes. I don't want to be Drama Woman. I don't want to take advantage of my employer's awesome understanding and flexibility. But sometimes you have dramas.

When I was twenty-six I worked for awhile at a cafe run by two sisters. They were fairly wealthy and people grumbled that their husbands had bought the cafe for them so they would have something to do. But they learned the job quickly and they worked really hard, and they were there every day. One day one of them had her two little kids with her during closing time, and while she tried to pitch in and do all her usual work, she just couldn't in the end, so she asked me to do some extra stuff she would normally do herself. I was tired and grumpy and I did not cut her much (any) slack. I was really annoyed she had the kids there. I made it pretty obvious I was annoyed. I had to stay back later because she had kids with her, who did not belong in the workplace. I was not happy that the rest of us had to make up for her (obvious!) lack of organisation and work ethic!

Did I ever give any thought to the fact she turned up every day and worked hard, and never mentioned her kids or how she juggled her life? Did I even consider the fact that this was the only time we ever saw her kids, and that she might have been truly stuck this one day?  Did I have any compassion for what she was dealing with that day? No, I am sorry to say, I did not.  All I saw was... drama!

You can buy this shirt at Sugarbunny Shop

12 Resolutions: May (and April recap)

This year I'm playing along with #12Resolutions on Twitter and Facebook. The idea is to set yourself short-term, achievable goals, one each month. 

For April I set myself a very achievable goal (which I stole from Dr Bron who posted it for April herself): VISIT MY GP.

Yay, I succeeded!

It sounds simple. And it is. And it was. And yet it was something I had put off for FOUR years. I had my very overdue Pap test and had blood tests done and all is well and I can carry on.  Without that 'must visit the GP' thing nagging at the back of my head as it has for the last four years.

So it's time (a bit late actually) to set my resolution for May.

Late last year I enrolled in a professional accreditation course for Project Management, which is what I do for a living but I don't have the fancy letters to put on my CV to show off with. 

So far I've done very little of it.  I have done the important things of course: created inbox folders and Evernote folders, saved sites to my browser favourites, logged into my online library and downloaded books and articles of interest (some of them even related to my course). I've opened up each course in turn (there are four), looked through the modules and the topics and tried to guage how long each one will take me and which one I should do first. Last month I made a start and have done three topics in the first module.

But, I will admit, even though I have done all of that, I still have a lot to get through if I want to finish this course and sit my accreditation exams before the year is out. 

I want to finish the courses by end of the financial year, so my next few #12Resolutions are probably going to be about this.  I'll keep my posts brief as online study for business-related courses is not as fascinating as it sounds.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING (9GAG)

#12Resolutions:

January: walk 5 times a week (done - I now walk daily)
February: write 2 short stories (failed - wrote none!)
March: write 1 short story, and start Project Management course (done)
April: visit GP and complete or schedule the follow-ups (done)
May: complete one module of Project Management course

Stay at work mums, full time dads and others

I have stopped using the term "working mother" or at least I am trying to.

There are no perfect terms, because the term that each group of parents invents for itself annoys the others.

"Working mother" is annoying for mothers who are not in paid employment because they are home with their children: " 'Working mother'? What the hell do they think I'm doing all day?"

"Full-time mother" is hated by mothers who work in paid employment, including me. I am a full-time mother. I am a mother 24 hours a day as is every other mother. Motherhood (or parenthood) dictates how and where I work, as much as how I am at home. Also, what?: Anytime someone is away from her kids, she is not a mother? If you're a stay at home mother, when you leave your kids at kinder, or when you have a girls' night out, are you no longer a mother?

"Non-working parent" is wrong - for the same reason that "working mother" is.

"SAHM" (Stay At Home Mum) seems to be the preferred term by most, but what about the dads? They've started using SAHD. Is that a bit ironic, because it looks like SAD? I do wonder if "stay at home" is a bit annoying as it sounds a little patronising or limiting, like "housewife". Maybe just "At Home Parent" (AHP) is better?

"WAHM" (Work At Home Mum) is the one term that no one seems to grumble about. Or maybe that's just my misconception as a WOTHM (Work Outside The Home Mum - what, not going to catch on?)

Not one of these "lifestyles" is better or worse than the others, per se. Not one is a ticket to work-life balance - we're all as stretched and unappreciated as each other. There is of course just what works best for you and your family, or more accurately, what you have to work with and what you make of it.


But regardless of the terms we use to describe "mothering", one of the things driving change most is a critical mass of fathers being home with their kids.

There are so many of them now, and not all of them have blogs of course (pfft - what do those guys DO all day?) - but the ones I've noticed most as change agents are:


"World's Best Father" (Dave Engledow): this is the guy who created all the photos of himself with his baby daughter, she in various ignored or "helping" scenarios (sitting on an ironing board while he's ironing, etc) while he is usually looking away, reading thoughtfully and holding a coffee mug with "World's Best Father" on it.  The photos are genius, encapsulating at once all the best qualities of how we regard the stereotypical dad: involved with the kids but casually; making the kids fit around him instead of the other way around; funny; relaxed; borderline-neglectful-but-actually-good-for-the-kids.  Here are a couple of samples (these are all over the internet and they are a couple of years old now, so I've decided this is okay):

Reservoir Dad: RD is awesome, because he is very proudly a SAHD, and embraces the lot that goes with it, including actual, thorough housework. Not for him the superhero vacuum and willful blindness to dirty toilets and dusty windowsills - no, he happily and manfully tackles the lot.  I actually think this is BRILLIANT. He writes about being a primary carer and shows that when it's done by a man it looks pretty similar to when it's done by a woman; this post in particular is just wonderful and I love it.


Of course, dads bring their alpha guy privilege to stay-at-home parenting, and that's simultaneously irksome and fantastic. RD admits men get more support in some ways than women as parents, and he has a robotic vacuum cleaner which makes me completely jealous ... but at the same time why wouldn't you make things better for yourself wherever you can, and why don't women do this more?  - because we do it all properly!! and we're doing six million other things you can't see!!  ... Sorry, that just slipped out. Where was I?  Anyway, having more men take on the primary carer role (and more women the breadwinner role, and more men and women working part-time and doing a bit of everything), is a good, good thing, with great advances in mutual understanding and improvement for everyone all round.


I've kind of lost my thread with this post, but think I've said what was on my mind anyway, so I'll leave it here.

Meanwhile, if you want a bit of fun, take Buzzfeed's What Type of Parent Are You quiz.

I'm "overwhelmed" which I found a little disappointing. I'd thought I had moved beyond "overwhelmed" after eight years at this parenting gig, but I guess not. Buzzfeed knows best!

Overheard

On Saturday my husband had a rare day home from work and one of A's friends was coming for a playdate at 11. I had almost nothing left in the fridge and pantry. All these things meant I got to duck out for a supermarket trip early in the morning.

It was beautiful weather - sunny and warm with a light breeze and the feeling that summer was around the corner. After I did the shopping I sat at a cafe for a quick breakfast treat.  (The treat being 'alone time').

At the table next to me was a retired-age couple enjoying tea and toast; a little black dog was on the chair between them; it had a red ribbon in its hair.

The man was wearing a golf shirt and flat cap. The woman wore the kind of ribbed cotton slacks my grandmother used to, and an ironed cotton shirt in a bright colour I can't remember. In the way of women her age, she wore jewellery and makeup and neatly styled hair, as she would any day she left the house, be it for an appointment somewhere or a drive to the shops.

(I wonder, is that generational or an age thing? When I'm sixty will I suddenly start ironing my shirts and styling my hair, or will half the women my age be getting around in jersey jackets, stretchy tops and shoulder-length hair like we do now? Anyway...)

To be honest, when I first sat down I hardly noticed them at all. I didn't even notice the dog until later. If I thought anything at all when I saw them it was Standard issue retired middle-middle-class couple from the suburbs. Kids have moved out, house is paid off, modest savings, etc. A careful, responsible life and a simple, comfortable retirement. Isn't that nice.

But you shouldn't make assumptions about people's lives, should you?

Because their conversation was quite unexpected.

I wasn't listening at first, but then the woman was talking into her phone. Quite loudly.

"No, we can't. I'm taking Steve to the doctor, his blood pressure's way up, and that's stress. We're on our way to the doctor now. So you and Bill are going to have to work today, because we can't."

The man said something after the call.

"No way," the woman said. "I'm not, and you're not either. My legs were killing me all last night, I couldn't sleep. And you're no good today. They said I had to, and I said nup. There's only one thing I have to do, and that's die. And I'm not dying!"

She continued: "I mean, fifty dollars an hour is good money, but it's not worth it. Not worth it. We're not doing it anymore."

By this stage I'd finished my toast and coffee and had to get back home. I didn't want to look like I was sitting there listening (but I was). So I left.

But I was so curious. What kind of work were they doing? Something that required work on weekdays and Saturdays, paid well, was stressful, and was hard on the legs? Neither of them looked fit, and they were both well past the age of doing demanding physical work anyway, so "no" to my immediate fanciful thoughts of fruit picking and waiting tables (also last I recall neither of those pays $50 per hour). Something skilled, or something they were qualified to do - hence the $50 per hour, and the person on the phone wanting their presence? Something that they didn't run themselves (not their own business), but something they could seemingly pick up and leave at will, to some extent. Something where they seemed to work in a small group (Bill and the other person).

Manning a shop or business front? Not at $50 an hour.

Super spies? Not enough money.

Teachers? ("stress"). Not on Saturdays.

Shop inventory? A couple in their sixties?

What then? What? I'm so curious - what could it be?!

Sunday Selections #138

It's time for Sunday Selections!
This is a weekly meme started by Kim of FrogPondsRock as a way to showcase some of the many photos we all take, but don't get around to showing on our blogs. Sunday Selections is now hosted by River at Drifting Through Life.

The rules are very simple:-

1. post photos of your choice, old or new, under the Sunday Selections title

2. link back to River somewhere in your post

3. leave a comment on River's post and visit some of the others who have posted and commented

This week, I've got a few snaps taken during and after rain.  We've had good weather this spring in Melbourne, interspersed with lots of good rain.


This was a really magnificent rainbow last week, the thickest and brightest I've ever seen. You can't tell that from this shot, of course.  I was driving the kids to Greek school in Glen Waverley and there was a HUGE but short-lived downpour, after which a double rainbow (for a few seconds a triple one) lit up the afternoon sky:

This one was taken near my kids' school - a beautiful tree in someone's front yard, with stormy sky as backdrop:

This one was taken in the city during a sudden downpour (while stopped at a light):

And another magnificent rainbow - the second in less than two weeks. This one is from this last Thursday - I stood at the window by my old seat at work to get this.

Meanwhile, back home, there have been lots of these guys:

I was going to do a whole 'snails on sticks' thing, after I came back from walking the dog one morning  and noticed heaps of snails on sticks of all sorts all round the garden. But snails are deceptive. They seem slow but they move steadily, and by the time I came back with my phone a minute later, all but this guy had moved off their sticks.

Sunday Selections #136

This is a weekly meme started by Kim of FrogPondsRock but now hosted by River at Drifting Through Life.

The rules are very simple:-

1. post photos of your choice, old or new, under the Sunday Selections title

2. link back to River somewhere in your post

3. leave a comment on River's post and visit some of the others who have posted and commented

Last week, I moved desks at work, which is part of a good thing because the company is growing and my area is expanding its square footage in the office. 

The bad thing is I lost my lovely (and lucky) window seat, and also the company of the rest of the group. My boss and I (and soon a third) have moved into an adjoining room to make way for new starters. Where I used to sit I was sometimes distracted by the noise, but I also enjoyed the easy and constant conversation. I am now in a very quiet room without distractions, but it is a wee bit lonesome - and I am also facing a wall. 

I miss my window seat.

I took these photos before I moved.

Dear Daughter: This is Why I Work

Wow. This post, on the Huffington Post parenting.com site: Dear Daughter, Here's Why I Work.

Some snippets:

Although it felt surreal to walk out the door and leave you behind the day my maternity leave ended, and I couldn't quite believe I was doing it until I was, it was also a relief to relax into some normalcy after the wondrous upheaval you brought to my life.

There is a great little list with the reasons the author works, including because it makes her happy, because they need the income, and more. And then this:

I work because -- despite my being the parent who's almost always the one walking through the door at 6 pm, the one who rarely travels for the work, the one who's keeping track of the fact that the permission slip for the field trip is due tomorrow -- you'd never ask your father why he works. His love is a given that long hours at work do nothing to diminish.

I work because even at your young age you've absorbed the subtle message that women's work is less important and valuable -- and that the moms who really love their kids don't do it.

I work because by the time you have your own daughter, I cross my fingers this will not be so.

Amen to that.

Marissa Mayer, Telecommuting and Workplace Flexibility

This is not a sponsored post but the link to the telecommuting benefits video was sent to me by OnlineMBA.com

So by now we're all aware of Marissa Mayer, new CEO of Yahoo, who has banned working from home. Reaction has mostly been negative. Richard Branson notably disagreed with it.

Donald Trump tweeted his support for Mayer's policy, but he has been in the minority. So either most people value workplace flexibility, or perhaps many secretly agree with Mayer but are hesitant to voice up and align themselves with someone like Trump. (And in fact others have written that his praise is probably not helpful for her)

Quite often when a woman rises to a position of power, there is surprise and disappointment that she doesn't do more to champion women, flexibility, etc. But the women who rise to the top are much like the men who rise to the top: driven, ambitious and very hard-working, with little understanding or tolerance for those who are not.  Why should they be otherwise? How would they have reached where they are, if they were otherwise?

Lionel Shriver wrote a great column in Slate about Margaret Thatcher, arguing that these women are in fact good for feminism:

Margaret Thatcher was a real feminist. Not for what she said but for what she did. She did not pursue justice for her gender; women's rights per se was clearly a low priority for her. She was out for herself and for what she believed in. If we had more feminists like Thatcher, we'd have vastly more women in Parliament and the US Senate, as well as more trees and fewer tedious television talk shows. More ''feminists'' like Thatcher, the first woman to lead a major Western democracy, and young women would be clamouring to be called one, too.

(Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/comment/muscular-feminist-the-sisterhood-despised-20130409-2hjc4.html#ixzz2Q3FX1pZr)

My own immediate response to Mayer's ban on working from home was annoyance. She is having a two-week maternity leave, no doubt employs a nanny, and is planning to set up a nursery in her office. Three points here, obviously.

One: It would be nice if the occasional high-level women took longer maternity leave so the idea is not perpetuated that this type of leave is a 'holiday' and taking longer than 3 months means you're not committed to your job. Her choice though, of course. I've nothing against the short maternity leave itself - her child will be more than fine.

Two: It's much easier to manage work without flexible options like working from home when you have the top job with high pay and perks that other women in your company don't have.

Three: the nursery in the office: how is working from home worse than baby-ing at the office? I know, at the office you are "present" as Mayer argues everyone has to be. But how "present" are you going to be while settling or feeding a baby?

My second reaction was doubt about my first reaction. After all, Marissa Mayer is not a newbie or an idiot. She's an extremely experienced high-level manager. I have no idea what the culture at Yahoo is like; I can imagine a company that has stagnated a little and may be struggling with morale and engagement. Perhaps in that context some changes need to be made. I am sure she's made this decision from a smart place.


I can't speak for everyone, but here's how telecommuting benefits me:

• I don't want to work full-time from home. I prefer being in the office, as a rule.
• Working from home is fantastic for getting the sort of work done where you need to concentrate and work uninterrupted.
• When I work from home it's usually because I have a specialist's appointment or something on at the school (and no, I don't attend every special event at school). On those days I love the chance to work at home, because it means I can prepare a slow-cook dinner, do a load of laundry, walk the dog and pick up my kids soon after 5pm, and still get a full day's work in.

I would love to work one day a week from home, as a regular thing. The main reason I don't is my internet connection is not reliable enough or fast enough to make it work on a regular basis.
And there's a cat.

Also, because despite the hassles and cost of commuting, I do like going into the office and working there.

But plenty of people can and do work full-time from home and this has been around long enough that we know it works.

For those who do predominantly technical or phone-based roles, there's no reason why they can't work at home, as long as the support and tech is there, and they are accountable for producing good work.

It should go without saying, if you work from home you still need childcare. That's a big one, and essential for both getting enough work done and keeping the trust and respect of your colleagues. You have to put in a really strong day's work if you want people to trust you with it and believe you're not sitting on the couch watching TV.

(Perhaps at this point picture in your head an image from The Oatmeal's brilliant cartoon 'Why working from home is both awesome and horrible')

Online MBA have put together a short video about the benefits of working from home. These include increased productivity and morale, and reduced costs. You can see the video and read the transcript here.

I am a big believer in working from home and in workplace flexibility (with accountability).  I enjoy my job and my workplace and I have a lot of respect for my manager and boss at work. I generally only work 8.30 to 5, but I'm available on the mobile anytime (including my day off) and I will regularly work overtime on projects including some nights at home. I really, really appreciate the flexibility I am allowed to get my work done in a way that suits both me and the company.


For an opposing case supporting Mayer's stance, read here.

What do you think? Do you / could you / would you work from home?

Personal Choice and Feminism

How do you see feminism? Is it the struggle against inequality, the right to control your body or the right to personal choice? Is it all of these?

I think I agree with Helen Razer that feminism is, in a nutshell, "the struggle against masculinsed violence and feminised poverty". 

I'm all for personal choice, but I don't really agree with those who say feminism is "all about choice".

I could choose to be a surrendered wife, and that would make me a proponent of personal choice, but it would not make me a feminist.

Earlier this month Jessica Rowe wrote a column that opened with "I use Botox and I'm a feminist." I like Jessica Rowe, I have no problem with her Botox use, and I am totally on board with the fact that those who work in the limelight face harsher pressure than the rest of us to look good. Good on her for her honesty - it's great when women in the public eye are honest about these things (not that they have to tell us, but it would be nice if they didn't lie about it). I believe Jessica Rowe when she says she's a feminist. But defending Botox by saying "my brand of feminism is all about personal choice" doesn't gel with me. Defend it as a personal choice, a freedom, a right - even a necessity for continuing a career in the spotlight. That's all excellent. But feminism, it is not.

Life is hard. Life is demanding and pretty relentless and most of us cannot be Germaine Greer all our lives and all the time. Even Germaine Greer doesn't manage it.  We are, most of us, feminists at heart, but we all have our embarrassing secrets, our contradictions and our exceptions - things we believe or want or do even though we know they're not, you know, feminist.



What about choosing to give up paid work, to be home for your children full-time?

That's a harder one. There are those who say you can't be a feminist and not work; there are others who say giving up paid work (and the control and autonomy that it makes possible) is not wrong but is misguided and self-harming; there are others who say it is pro-children and pro-family, and most people agree with that but argue over what degree it is pro-woman.

For most women who give up paid work (whether for awhile or forever), it is a compromise, like most things in life.  For all but a tiny few women it's not about "avoiding work" or wanting to be "looked after". It's because it's the easiest or most rational choice in an insane juggling act, or a decision made trying to do the best thing for their children. 

Women advocate for children. It's what they do, all day, every day.  Every mother I know advocates for her children, in every moment and every day, whether she is with them or not, whether she is dealing with a problem or leaving them free to play, whether she is talking about them with her partner, or to a doctor, their school, her boss, or her blog.

I am irritated when I read the phrase "women and children" in news articles on war casualties and disasters. "Women and children" - no. Try "innocent civilians, including children". Or just "children".  WOMEN are no more special, valuable, innocent or precious than men. WOMEN can and do fight wars, make bombs, make heroic or horrible decisions and take lives. WOMEN are not children.

And yet... At the same time I feel a contradictory pride in the phrase "women and children" even while it irritates me. Women partner with children. Women look after children. Women advocate for and protect children. A woman partners herself with her children in her decision to take her husband's last name, in her decision to marry, in her decision to give up paid work. A woman championing her children and making them her focus during her race in this masculine, competitive world, is pro-woman and pro-children, and couldn't that be called feminist?

But what of the woman who wants to be something else? Who chafes at the restrictions of "the pram in the hall" and while she loves her children, feels desperate and hobbled because of them? Is not her struggle a feminist struggle, the ongoing fight against the culture which uses biology to perpetuate "feminized poverty"?

The answer to both has to be yes - and then doesn't this get us back, full-circle, to the argument I reject, that "feminism is all about personal choice"?

Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I don't know, but my head is hurting, and I have thought about these things for years now and my thinking is no less muddled. I detest the idea that there is a "right" way to be feminist, and I hate the idea that women are put off by feminism because of esoteric academic tussles and fights over "personal choice". Honestly, no one needs a tertiary degree to understand feminism, and the bits you need a degree for are just words. You might not be able to discuss the ideas, but you would if they were worded differently, because you've living them or you've seen them on the news and you've already thought about them.


So there you are and there I am - as muddled and contradictory a feminist as a former radical making fun of a female prime minister for her choice of clothing. 

What Not To Say To A Working Mother

I danced a little jig in my head when I read this blog on the Huffington Post this week.

It has now been posted on Mamamia as well and is apparently garnering a huge number of comments, which I will not be reading (no doubt many in support, and no doubt equally as many of the "I don't understand why you'd have children only to farm them out to others to raise" sort).

In What Not to Say to a Working Mom, Devon Corneal totally nails it on those questions and comments - some dumb, some nasty, some well-meaning - that all "working mothers" get from the day they hit the workforce after having a child.

Here are some snippets:

Can't you afford to stay home?  Let's assume for a minute that I can't. Let's imagine I work to help pay the mortgage and buy groceries and send our kids to college. Where does this conversation go now? Awkward, right? Next thing you know, I'm going to be asking you how much your husband earns so you can stay home. Let's agree not to go there.

There are other good reasons for working, of course, beyond the immediate budget:

...I also know that some day our kids will be off at college or started on careers of their own and I want to keep a foot in the working world so when that time comes, I'm not staring at a big gap in my resume that makes it harder for me to get a job.

And:

I also like the equality that exists in my marriage because both my husband and I put money in the bank. 

This is a big one for me, and an unexpected beneficial side-effect from our arrangement. I know the way we live doesn't work for everyone, but I do believe, in the best of all worlds, both parents work outside the home and both parents do heavy-lifting parenting as well as cooking, cleaning and gardening, administration and the rest. The "traditional" (it's not really) model of Dad in the office and Mum at home, doesn't always but can lead to frustration and resentment on both sides, as Dad feels locked in to a career he hates, and Mum is over-burdened with the heavy-lifting parenting and emotional parenting, and each feels misunderstood and under-appreciated by the other.

Not that that still doesn't go on in our house of course.



Here's my favourite:

There's always time to work later, these early years are so precious.  All the years are precious. 

Absolutely. OK, I know where people are coming from. Those early years are special, as you get to know your child and get to know yourself as a parent, and as children grow and change so fast. But I think people get so hung up on the years before pre-school that it's as if the years following are worth nothing. School years are also immensely important; as are tween years, and teen years. I have never prized the early years any higher than those.


Here's my second favourite:

Why did you have kids only to let someone else raise them?  ....We are grateful and proud to have wonderful people who help us -- from family to friends to teachers and babysitters. But make no mistake, my husband and I are raising our kids. 

That old thing - that if you're working then other people are raising your kids. It's everywhere in popular culture - in books and films written by people who don't have kids (The Nanny Diaries) and others (Paris Je T'aime - the scene where the struggling mother drops her baby to the cold, institutional, Romanian-orphanage-style daycare centre). I admit before I went back to work I also worried this was true, and I worried about kids loving their carers more than us, or crying for their carers when they were upset with us. It didn't happen. It doesn't. I was assured "Don't worry, babies and kids always know who their mum and dad are", but it's more than that. Kids always love their mum and dad the most. And what's more, you're still as involved with your kids as any other parent. That scene in I Don't Know How She Does It where the frazzled career mum has no idea whether her son likes broccoli or not? As ridiculous as suggesting this of a "stay at home" mum. 

Two anecdotes from my own world


Someone judges me...
Once when I had recently returned to work (and yes, I was feeling guilty and a little sad about it), I went to a movie one night with a friend and her friend G. G had her twins at the same time as me. Unlike me, her husband had a career job with steady pay and good entitlements; her husband was the main breadwinner; her house had been bought earlier so her mortgage was smaller, and she had taken time off work to spend "the early years" with her children. See how those things go together? I'm not implying that G and her husband didn't sacrifice, struggle, plan mightily and scrimp and save to do this. I'm just saying it was possible for them in a way it was not for us.

G asked me what I was doing and I said I was working. Her comment? "Oooh, that's unusual."

My reply? Not as feisty as it would be now. Now I would say "Actually it's not at all unusual." (Yes, I have replayed this scene in my head just a few times).

At the time I said, "Oh well, I'm working now and the kids are really happy and thriving and I plan to switch to part-time work down the track when the kids are in school."  (And this was indeed always my plan).

Her response: "Oh, but the years before school are so critical."

My response: again, not as good as it would be now. But even in my swallowed hurt and anger I found it ridiculous that anyone would discount the school years as less important. Playground squabbles? Homework? Struggles with independence and obedience? There's a lot going on there, baby.


...And I judge someone else
While I was still off work and my girls were babies, a mum at our local Multiples club recounted her story. She and her husband were both teachers and had decided she would take "the early years" off work. In order to do this, they'd sold their house and were renting.  Now, while this level of sacrifice (and guts) are admirable, to me, I admit this seemed a step too far. At that time the housing market was booming and even now post-GFC house prices continue to rise in Australia. It's a fair bet that unless their financial situation improved dramatically (or she went back to work), they would struggle to buy a house again later and could also end up locked into increasing rents and a difficult rental market.  

Of course they probably took all this into account, and of course plenty of people make the choice to sell up and rent for all sorts of reasons. But I couldn't help think that the current obsession for being able to "stay home" for "the early years" has created unrealistic expectations and placed undue burdens of stress and guilt on those of us who can't do it.

It's just not the case that every family can afford one parent at home for a few years.  It's not a matter of being selfless and giving up McMansions and fancy TVs. If you are both on low pay, or one wage is not steady, or you bought your house recently and your mortgage is large, then these days, both parents work. Then, yes, there may be some extra discretionary cash available for a new TV, but that doesn't mean you would save a bucketload by not working. Also, while spending time with your children is critically important, providing financial security and keeping finance-based stress to a minimum are also important parts of raising children. (Not that everyone should be working outside the home - just don't assume that nobody has to).



In conclusion

I will say quite honestly that I hand-on-heart loved being home with my babies, and I did return to work when they were eight months old for financial reasons. That last night of my maternity leave I cried and I wished things were different.

But our arrangement had benefits as well, and I haven't hesitated to share those with women at work who have asked me (as well as the drawbacks).  It's not just financial - having spare cash, being able to pay off a mortgage and accumulate super that will provide long-term security - or about job security.  I honestly believe my husband is a better father than he would have been otherwise. I honestly know that my kids had wonderful, loving and beneficial years at day-care. And, they also accept a couple of days of before- and after-school care now, because they are used to being cared for outside the home. (After all, you can't stay home forever - at some point most mums must go back to work).

Everyone is different. In my perfect world, I would work three days a week at a stimulating, fulfilling job where I was respected and made full use of my knowledge and strengths, my husband would not be worked off his feet, we'd have enough super saved up for some kind of retirement and our mortgage would be negligible.

Until then... back to work!